tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51818903001608740592024-03-13T04:03:31.769-07:00Novel in the OvenNovel in the Oven: A blog to talk about writing, not writing, books, reading, the glories of YA literature, launching "Where It Began," the horrors of the empty page, the bliss of the empty page, my dog, how if pilot pens didn't exist, I might have to become a short order cook, cupcakes, and life in general.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger60125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-71371797462541312502015-08-25T12:10:00.001-07:002015-08-25T12:10:12.348-07:00HOW TO DISAPPEAR Cover Reveal & Giveaway at Teenreads! (and no bad advice whatsoever)<br />
Going through the editing and production process for a new book is a lot like having a present hidden away in a burlap bag. You're pretty sure you'll love it, but unfortunately, you can't open it. You can't even see it...for years.<br />
<br />
This is how long I've been working on my new thriller, How to Disappear, which will be out in early summer, 2016.<br />
<br />
But finally, while I don't get to open the darned thing, it's out of the bag! And the wrapping is gorgeous!<br />
<br />
I love the cover of How to Disappear, and I hope you will too. <a href="http://www.teenreads.com/blog/2015/08/24/how-to-disappear-cover-reveal-and-contest">The reveal is on Teenreads</a>, where you can also read an excerpt and win not only a copy of How to Disappear, but also Where It Began, Afterparty, and a very cute Afterparty tote bag.<br />
<br />
I still have to wait for what seems like forever to crack open the book, but at least now I'll have company staring at the evocative image on the cover!<br />
<br />
Is it summer yet? <br />
<br />
P.S. In the spirit of shameless promotion that I try to get everyone else to adopt in order to destroy their careers, if anyone wants to help get the word out about the
reveal and contest, here's a paste-friendly tweet: Check out the cover
reveal for @annstampler's new thriller #HowToDisappear at @teenreads
& win a copy here <a href="http://ow.ly/Rlo2V" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">ow.ly/Rlo2V</a> #giveaway<br />
<br />
Thanks! Novel In The Ovenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06276265772724488803noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-19693410853360175362015-07-20T10:56:00.000-07:002015-07-20T10:56:43.911-07:00More Really Bad Book Marketing Advice *or* How to Rock A #KindleDealSo, all right, let's face facts. Even if you publish traditionally (which I do) with a Big Five publisher (which I do...or is it Big Four, or Three, or the Grand Monolith at this point?), you still have to help your book along marketing and publicity-wise. Even if you have a lovely and helpful support team at said publisher (which I do). Even if <i>anything</i>, folks, you still do!<br />
<br />
My avowed goal being to offer such bad writing advice that I'm the last writer left standing, I'm here to extend this terrible guidance into the fun realm of Marketing Your Book. Because I am absolutely convinced that it's possible to market your book into an early grave, and I'm here to tell you how.<br />
<br />
Here is the case study, for which I graciously volunteer myself, the Princess of Bad Marketing.<br />
<br />
Anyway, my publisher was nice enough to turn Afterparty into a<a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B008J4RR28/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B008J4RR28&linkCode=as2&tag=ebest&linkId=OH2MRJ6IK7FH5VY4" target="_blank"> #kindledeal</a>, slashing the price of the Kindle to $1.99 until August 3rd to coincide with an <a href="http://www.authorbuzz.com/" target="_blank">AuthorBuzz</a> Kindle promo. This was pretty damned amazing! <br />
<br />
And after driving the nice people at AuthorBuzz so crazy I was confident they were on the verge of paying me to go away -- highly recommended; you can invest the pay-off in colorful book-related swag -- I decided to set out on my own. <br />
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1.) Do a Headtalker. <a href="https://headtalker.com/" target="_blank">Headtalker</a> is a way to crowd source without having the anxiety of having to harrass a full hundred of your friends to help out or you get <i>nothing</i>. On Headtalker you can go with, say, <i>three </i>(okay, maybe not three, but some very small number) of people to harass and when that small number signs up, you go live! On the date of your choice! It's like magic, and the especially wonderful thing about the small number is that this means you've only harassed and annoyed a small number of your friends so you can hit up the friends you <i>haven't</i> lost next time you have a sudden, insatiable urge to go viral. (<b>1st Law of Bad Marketing: Lose Friends</b>)<br />
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2.) "Boost" (which is a polite word for forking over money to FaceBook) a <a href="https://www.facebook.com/WhereItBegan" target="_blank">Facebook post</a> that sends all you fans straight to Amazon. Then Boost it again. And again. And again. Remember there is no such thing as too much exposure...if you want to lose fans. (<b>2nd Law of Bad Marketing: Lose Fans</b>)<br />
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3.) Spam the shit out of <a href="https://twitter.com/AnnStampler" target="_blank">Twitter</a>. You heard me: go for it! You know all that other really terrible twitter advice out there about how every tweet has to have a hook and a call to action and bombastic self-praise about how people have to buy your book? Follow it. Constantly. Imaginary market research shows that the optimal time period between such tweets in 39 seconds. Do it! (<b>3rd Law of Bad Marketing: Lose Twitter Folowers</b>)<br />
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4.) If you have guest posts on subjects totally unrelated to marketing your book (not that all posts everywhere shouldn't be related to marketing your book in some way or the other), be sure that your #kindledeal is subtly -- or perhaps less than subtly -- thrown in. So you're supposed to be talking about QuietYA? Think of it this way: QuietYA is about books. Your Kindle thing is about books. The connection is obvious, right? (<b>4th Law of Bad Marketing: Piss off Otherwise Super-Helpful Book Bloggers</b>)<br />
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5.) Monetize your blog in the service of Really Bad Promotion. That's right, come on, don't you secretly admire all those blogs that sell maps to star houses and medical marijuana club memberships in the margins for untold thousands? Who but the most effete of literary purists doesn't? This is the moment to use your powers of persuasion to get every single follower to immediately purchase copies of your book for her 400 best friends. (And if she doesn't have 400 best friends, get her to network. No excuses, please!) Be firm. What do you have to lose? (<b>5th Law of Bad Marketing: Lose Blog Followers</b>)<br />
<br />
There! In five easy steps, you've practically destroyed all possible good will you ever laid claim to! Now run out and <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B008J4RR28/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B008J4RR28&linkCode=as2&tag=ebest&linkId=OH2MRJ6IK7FH5VY4" target="_blank">buy my book for your 400 best friends</a>! You can thank me later.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-41148998757100157382015-05-22T08:06:00.000-07:002015-05-22T11:06:53.195-07:00Really Bad Writing Advice: Dances With Editorial LettersAlmost six months to the day after I vowed to integrate my writing life into a more varied (read: get off couch and stop writing periodically) life, I'm here to tell you, it didn't quite work out. On the other hand, I did finish my thriller, How To Disappear -- which I think I'm supposed to be calling #HowToDisappear, so there you go -- and sent it off to my new editor.<br />
<br />
Then I received the editorial letter. <br />
<br />
For you trauma virgins out there, the editorial letter is where your editor makes helpful suggestions for rehabilitating your manuscript. I had been hoping for a stupid but minimal one which I could placate by moving a few commas around, but no such luck. It was on the brilliant, damn-why-didn't-I-think-of-that side. Requiring actual revision. Big revision.<br />
<br />
Having finished said revision, I have developed a few simple rules guaranteed to screw up your revision process royally, moving me closer to my goal of being the only writer left standing. <br />
<br />
1.) Defend against how overwhelmed you are by embracing the quasi-psychotic side of yourself that thinks it can leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tell your editor, not only can I finish this by the truly impossible deadline, I can finish it sooner! I can fly! I am the queen of California! I...<br />
<br />
2.) After you crash and return to being overwhelmed, realize that the task is completely impossible. You cannot fly. You are barely the sentient being of California. All good parts of the book would appear to have been written by someone else. All parts of the book that require major surgery are the result of the fact that you can't write. Embrace the idea that you can't write, let alone revise. Panic.<br />
<br />
3.) Binge-watch Gilmore Girls. Pretend this is helpful in the revision process due to the fact that you're writing YA and Rory is a teenager. Think how many other shows would be useful for this reason. Start with Awkward. Proceed alphabetically.<br />
<br />
4.) Consider the salutary effects of substance abuse. (Unless you're a minor, in which case, don't.) Think about [fill in the blank with your wrecked writer of choice, you have an alarmingly long roster of candidates]. Think about how much better than you the plastered/stoned/substance-impaired person of choice wrote. Pathetic, huh?<br />
<br />
5.) Cry.<br />
<br />
6.) Re-read all 380 pages of your book each day before you start revising. This should leave 20 or 30 minutes to revise before you fall into a sad, exhausted stupor.<br />
<br />
7.) Reclaim your addiction to Coca Cola as the elixir of uncontrollable shaking for people in sad, exhausted stupors.<br />
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8.) Decide that you need a break to clear your head. Consider the complete works of Jane Austen. Note that Lydia Bennet is a teenager and therefore watching every min-series in which she appears after re-re-re-reading the book on your break is actually productive.<br />
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9.) Note that you haven't actually started to revise. <br />
<br />
10.) Suck it up. Find your own uniquely neurotic path out of the quagmire & revise the freaking book.<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-71085016017322920102015-01-20T18:00:00.000-08:002015-01-20T19:06:40.132-08:00New Goodreads Giveaway of Afterparty!!!I'm so excited about this! Afterparty was just released in paperback, and to celebrate, the folks at Simon Teen are doing a Goodreads giveaway. Soooo, if you haven't read the book yet and you'd like to, go win the darned thing!<br />
<br />
(Note that this post is very short. This is because I invoked Dear Clueless. "Dear Clueless," I said, "so, should I post something brilliant and incisive about the roller coaster that is Goodreads?" To which she replied, "No." To which I replied, "But I love my Goodreads giveaway!" To which she replied, "Still no.")<br />
<br />
Here's the link: <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/giveaway/show/122904-afterparty">https://www.goodreads.com/giveaway/show/122904-afterparty</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-67833056234705506982015-01-17T13:22:00.001-08:002015-01-17T13:22:13.405-08:00Really Bad Writing Advice: It's Everywhere!Today I step back from my mission to provide so much bad writing advice that I'm the last writer standing. This is because today, surfing the Net to avoid writing a chapter I'm having a hard time with, it hit me: There is already so much really bad writing advice out there, I can put my mission on hold for as long as I like and would-be writers will still be more than sufficiently mislead. <br />
<br />
To clarify, I have nothing against writing advice. If you're Anne Lamott or Steven King, your advice is brilliant and I hope and pray you'll keep dispensing it. I think Martha Alderson is a great plot whisperer even though I'm constitutionally unable to use her workbook, and I know people who swear by, write by, and produce terrific books with Save The Cat. Keep saving that cat! If these folks advice works for you, but all means, follow!<br />
<br />
I'm talking about my bad-advice competitors. People who list 67 words you can use instead of "said." "Ignore them!" she ejaculated/exclaimed/declared/bubbled over/whinnied/whined/cried/inveighed. The same goes for the 99 words to use instead of "went." Seriously? <br />
<br />
I'm talking about all those random and completely nonsensical rules. Don't give a physical description of your characters. Don't use adverbs. Don't use adjectives. If you must use adjectives, never use the word "nice." Never use the passive voice. Run on sentences are the kiss of death. No, sentence fragments are the kiss of Death. No, rhyming picture books are the kiss of Death. No, alliteration is the kiss of Death.<br />
<br />
Today, I actually read something that, in an effort to mislead writers about how to create interesting characters, told me that my heroes should listen to women while my villains should interrupt them. <br />
<br />
All right, I admit my competitors in the Really Bad Writing Advice arena are highly skilled. <br />
<br />
But (never start a paragraph with "But" BTW) I just wanted you to be aware that in order to avoid direct competition with my really bad advice, my competitors have taken to disguising themselves as purveyors of <i>good</i> advice. Helpful advice. Warnings to save you from the dire consequences of adverb usage. So if you're out there beating the bushes for terrible advice, feel free to embrace them despite the mislabeling.<br />
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I say, purveyors of terrible advice disguised as good advice, stand your ground! Urging writers to produce truly bad prose by replacing the word "said" with as many awkward substitutes as possible on a single page is an honorable calling! Stand your ground, hold your head high, and acknowledge the glorious badness of your truly rank suggestions.<br />
<br />
Bravo!<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-90212284316095272142015-01-06T12:57:00.001-08:002015-01-06T12:57:21.363-08:00New Years in AuthorlandFor me, the New Year always starts the day after my birthday. Today, in fact. January 6th. Which this year happens to coincide with the release of Afterparty in paperback. (Today!!!!!)<br />
<br />
This gives me plenty of time to get birthday'ed out -- which I did in spades, in Montecito with my husband, tooling up and down the coast and revisiting old haunts -- before I start wallowing in resolutions.<br />
<br />
Given that last time I was on this blog, my plan was to get a life in a mere 100 days as an antidote to the binge writing I'd fallen into for, say, the previous five years, (and 150 days later, I didn't) I've kind of reached the conclusions that binge writing <i>is </i>my life and that coming up with resolutions might not be a plan.<br />
<br />
So here I am, resolution-free, unimproved and not flogging myself to improve. Feels great.<br />
<br />
There was something about the birthday trip to Santa Barbara, though. I dragged my husband to the restaurant on the pier where I used to eat with my folks (great view, vile chowder) and it hit me that if, during my Santa Barbara adolescence as an irredeemably weird person, I'd had any idea that one day I'd be back with a really nice husband of decades, two lovely grown children I'd managed to shepherd through teen years during which they were notably un-weird, a (literal) room of my own that also qualifies as a room with a view, a dog, and a career as a goddamn writer (!!!), it would have saved me no end of angst.<br />
<br />
Of course, without all that angst, it might be more of a challenge to write YA. But I would be more than willing to make it up. To have avoided it in real life. <br />
<br />
Because this trip to Santa Barbara, maybe because I'm so much further away from it in terms of years and in terms of how firmly entrenched I am in a wholly unexpected life, I started to think about all the really bad stuff from when I lived in Santa Barbara. The stuff that just makes it into my writing in tiny little flashes, but that I don't address directly. The stuff I don't remember fully or vividly beyond tiny little flashes. <br />
<br />
And I'm thinking, maybe this new year, as an author, I'll go there. Maybe I'll get closer. (Given that the literary structure I came up with for addressing it while fooling around on Butterfly Beach yesterday was a lot like Murder on the Orient Express, I might have a long way to go.) <br />
<br />
Anyway, I'm here to say I have no idea whatsoever what 2015 in Authorland will look like for me (except for the binge writing), or what book I'll have written by the end of it. I've got most of a very old middle grade or a very young YA almost good to go, and a piece of non-fiction I love that I've been working on and will happen if the principals are good with it, and a thriller that's coming out, but there's something else brewing and I'm not even sure yet what it's going to be.<br />
<br />
I am so happy and incredibly (all right, credibly) grateful that this ended up being my career. And that as screwed up as things might have been during a period of intense and angsty weirdness, that's not my life anymore. But even if it were, that's not baggage, it's material. <br />
<br />
Happy New Year!<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-65149002682065260322014-07-14T13:19:00.000-07:002014-07-14T13:19:28.838-07:00Manifesto: Binge Writing Is Bad --or-- 100 Days to Getting a LifeSaturday was an extreme writing day. The kind that gives writing caves a bad name. My only act reminiscent of actual human life was making a fruit salad to go with the lox and bagels my husband brought in. And, oh yeah, I ate this at a table. (A table with a three foot stack of magazines and books at one end, but nevertheless, a table.)<br />
<br />
At 9:30 that night, there I was. Wearing the same orange tee shirt I'd slept in. Sitting in the same spot on the family room sofa where I'd dropped after breakfast. And I passed 60,000 words.<br />
<br />
Huzzah!<br />
<br />
Except that I was wearing the same tee shirt I'd slept in and was sitting on the same spot on the sofa with only my laptop (which overheats) to keep me warm. Even my dog, who is 17 and cuddles indiscriminately with throw pillows and table legs, had abandoned me in favor of an unmade bed.<br />
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<br />
<br />
I picked my way through our kitchen -- which, courtesy of binge writing, had bacteria colonies so large you could watch them slither along the counter in the darkness -- turned on the light, and made dinner. Which we did not eat at the table. Husband and I were so exhausted by our days of sitting in one place working that we hunkered down in front of a BBC historical. Our primary conversation was that our brains were so fried, we couldn't follow what the hell the characters were saying.<br />
<br />
A successful writing day. A completely crap day from any other perspective.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I've had it. Yesterday I went to a housewarming, a bookstore, and a birthday dinner wearing an actual outfit with cute shoes. I banged out 500 words. I cuddled my dog.<br />
<br />
And I'm here to say, I'm out of the cave. This is the manifesto. I'm spending the next 100 days balancing my life. And finishing the WIP. And just generally having more connection with other people and the world beyond my laptop. And moving parts of my body not involved in the physical act of writing. And -- did I mention? -- finishing the WIP.<br />
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I'm not sure if embracing this philosophy is going to turn out to be Really Bad Writing Advice, as promised on this blog. Who knows, I could end up abandoning the laptop in favor of admiring butterfly wings, freezing in place for hours at a time smelling the roses. But I suspect it's going to be a good thing all around.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-59896488033020715672014-01-07T08:29:00.001-08:002014-01-07T08:29:20.143-08:00Really Bad Writing Advice: The Writers' New Years Resolutions From HellWell, this is Afterparty's official pub date, and I'm all over the internet spouting my favorite writing tips. As well as revealing all kinds of things about myself that it really does feel like massive hubris to think anyone other than my husband would find fascinating. And I'm not even all that sure about him.<br />
<br />
<div class="post-body entry-content" id="post-body-5663876156394566179" itemprop="articleBody">
Anyway, while I am profoundly grateful to the bloggers who are hosting
me, I do feel that as a proponent of Really Bad Writing Advice, I need
to speak up quickly and decisively to support the cause and the
inevitable Really Bad Writing that follows.<br />
<br />
I am therefore sharing New Years resolution sure to bring your writing career to a grinding halt.<br />
<br />
1.) I shall improve my social media presence by blogging, vlogging,
tweeting, pinning, and posting adorable selfies on Facebook
incessantly.<br />
<br />
This is because dancing around in your twitter feed continuously day and night is so conducive to finishing your novel.<br />
<br />
2.) I shall ponder each and every person who unfriends or unfollows me
to try to determine how and where I went wrong. Even if said people
communicate exclusively in unfamiliar alphabets and post only photos of
what appear to be picturesque brothels in Slovinia.<br />
<br />
I mean, you want to have universal appeal, right? Ask yourself, am I
putting enough time and energy into contemplating the fact that several
Turkish pornographers -- or maybe they're actually Finnish real estate
agents who like lingerie, hard to tell -- don't like me anymore? <br />
<br />
3.) I will read 365 novels in my genre so that I'll have something
beyond my fun-fact-challenged life to write guest posts about.<br />
<br />
This will not in any way interfere with your writing due to the fact
that in the new year, there will be 50 or 60 hours per day. Trust me on
this one. Would I be up at 1:39 a.m. blogging my little heart out if
there wasn't time for me to crank out Part II of my novel and get 8
hours of sleep between now and sunrise?<br />
<br />
4.) I will regularly check out what people are saying about my book on
Goodreads, Amazon, Google Plus, Jacket Flap, all blogs known to man and
whatever other sites pop up where people slash books. Thus, everything
everyone anywhere every said about the old book can be taken into
consideration in guiding he writing of the new book.<br />
<br />
This is because while your own voice might still hold some inexplicable
charm for you even after you've read everything everyone has ever said
about your book, we all know that majority rules.<br />
<br />
5.) I will keep abreast of the market by checking everything written
about the market by everyone else trying to stay abreast of the market.
Hourly.<br />
<br />
This is because while uniquely told tales of wonder are nice, the market rules.<br />
<br />
Happy New Year! <br />
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-39875750867536000112013-11-22T10:05:00.000-08:002013-11-22T10:05:15.872-08:00Five Brilliant Writing Tips From Paul HardingAll right, I have a lot of fun sharing the worst possible writing advice. But occasionally I stumble upon writing advice that is actually brilliant, and this is it. Five tips from Pulitzer Prize winner Paul Harding. And against my better judgment as a purveyor of dreadfulness, I am <a href="http://www.publishersweekly.com/pw/by-topic/industry-news/tip-sheet/article/60070-5-writing-tips-paul-harding.html">sharing the link</a>.<br />
<br />
This is the URL in case you have to cut and paste:<a href="http://www.publishersweekly.com/pw/by-topic/industry-news/tip-sheet/article/60070-5-writing-tips-paul-harding.html"> http://www.publishersweekly.com/pw/by-topic/industry-news/tip-sheet/article/60070-5-writing-tips-paul-harding.html</a><br />
<br />
Love,<br />
Ann <br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-47504036857873658962013-11-20T09:49:00.000-08:002013-11-20T09:49:54.472-08:00Really Bad Writing Advice: How To Be A Writer While Not Writing Your Book<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Those of us whose efforts to write an entire novel during the month of November have met with the same success as our efforts to write an entire novel during any other month -- which is to say, um, limited success -- are now grappling with a new challenge to our credibility as writers. Which is to say, if I am not actually writing, if I am, say turning out a grand total of 6,000 meh words in three weeks, what can I do that will allow me to announce to the world that I'm writing a novel with a straight face (Footnote #1)? </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Apart from writing.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have culled the best-ever hints from a cyber-world replete with splendid suggestions, and here they are:</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1.) Immediately term your failure to produce this novel "writer's block." This is completely credible and writeresque as long as you're angsty enough about it. Hence, you cannot spend the time you're not writing zipping around Bloomingdale's with a smile on your face or doing lunch unless you also bang your head on the table and drink a lot during said lunch. Indeed, you get to spend inordinate amounts of time with friends and family calling yourself a writer's blocked writer as long as you whine a lot. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2.) Writing exercises. Just google "writer's block" and "jump start" and you will find enough writing exercises to keep you not writing your novel for years, or possibly a lifetime. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3.) Writer's conferences. Consider the cognitive dissonance factor. You pay the enormous enrollment fee. You get a name tag. You gossip about agents and editors and the collapse of publishing as we know it. You're too busy being a writer to write. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4.) Research. This is especially good for YA writers who might actually die if they don't get to Bloomingdale's, assuming they are willing to stalk young adults up and down the escalators, eavesdropping assiduously the whole time they're (Footnote #2) loading up on new sweaters. Also, who can claim to possess even a passing familiarity with popular culture if she hasn't watched TV for four or five days straight?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5.) Study grammar. This is tedious and extremely time-consuming, but it could permit you -- should you ever get around to writing -- to produce prose that doesn't require footnotes with Grammatical Hints.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">(Footnote #1) Grammatical Hint: The announcement would entail the straight face. The writer can have any kind of face she wants due to the fact that she's supposedly sitting alone in a room writing so nobody knows what kind of face she has.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">(Footnote #2) Other Grammatical Hint: The so-called writer loads up on the sweaters; it doesn't matter what the young adults load up on as long as you're creeping around behind them analyzing their sentence structure.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-23559438971480041642013-11-15T12:04:00.002-08:002013-11-15T12:04:23.529-08:00What You Should Absolutely, 100% Be Doing While Not Writing<i>Dear Clueless,</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I am so sad and miserable! What shall I do while not writing. My time is so empty and I am at wit's end, listlessly making birdhouses out of used popsicle sticks and home-made glue, and stalking people. Which is hard, because all the people worth stalking are inside writing.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Signed,</i><br />
<i>Go On, Order Me Around</i><br />
<br />
Dear GOOMA,<br />
<br />
If you lack a blog, you must immediately get one. This will eat up no end of time.<br />
<br />
If you have a blog, then you must participate in every blog event imaginable. <br />
<br />
Oh look! Starting 11/19, there is an international signed ARC giveaway of <i>Afterparty</i> that bloggers can join any day of its 2 week duration. This is to celebrate S&S releasing the first 3 chapters of said book online. <br />
<br />
You should <a href="http://www.blogger.com/If%20any%20of%20you%20lovely%20blogger-type%20friends%20has%20a%20sudden%20urge%20to%20participate%20in%20a%20signed%20Afterparty%20ARC%20giveaway,%20the%20fabulous%20Elana%20Johnson%20is%20organizing%20one%20in%20connection%20with%20SimonTEEN%20releasing%20the%201st%203%20chapters%20online.%20(+%20I%27ll%20love%20you%20forever)%20Here%27s%20the%20sign-up:%20https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1N_mCUWv4vRqAdgy4AJQW0831JtO9PgRq-mjVM4AdjWg/viewform">click here!!!!!</a> You should<a href="http://www.blogger.com/If%20any%20of%20you%20lovely%20blogger-type%20friends%20has%20a%20sudden%20urge%20to%20participate%20in%20a%20signed%20Afterparty%20ARC%20giveaway,%20the%20fabulous%20Elana%20Johnson%20is%20organizing%20one%20in%20connection%20with%20SimonTEEN%20releasing%20the%201st%203%20chapters%20online.%20(+%20I%27ll%20love%20you%20forever)%20Here%27s%20the%20sign-up:%20https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1N_mCUWv4vRqAdgy4AJQW0831JtO9PgRq-mjVM4AdjWg/viewform"> sign up!!!!</a> Only think how much happier you will be now that you have something to do!<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
Shameless (sitting in for Clueless who is too busy promoting to order people around)<br />
<br />
<br />P.S. Thanks guys!<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-35792829527703485592013-11-09T17:02:00.000-08:002013-11-09T17:02:25.567-08:00Another Afterparty ARC Giveaway on Goodreads! <i>Dear Clueless,</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>My beloved publisher is graciously doing another <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15751652-afterparty">Goodreads giveaway of the ARC of my new book</a>. Is it too self-promotional and icky to carry on about this on my blog? Again. Or perhaps constantly?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Best,</i><br />
<i>Promotionally Challenged</i><br />
<br />
Dear Promo,<br />
<br />
Yes. Do it anyway.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
Clueless<br />
<br />
And good grief, blog followers, this is actually relevant to my life because (!!!!!) Simon & Schuster is giving away 3 ARC's of Afterparty, in a <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15751652-afterparty">Goodreads giveaway</a> ending on Dec. 7, 2013, one month before the book is released. Go win Afterparty!!! (And, as your back-up, you could always <a href="http://annstampler.com/ya/afterparty/">preorder</a> dozens and dozens of copies for your friends, neighbors, relatives near and far, underfunded library and letter carrier.)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-51306005362927656972013-11-08T09:26:00.000-08:002013-11-09T16:35:08.020-08:00NaNo: So How Behind Are YOU? * or * The 5 Top Reasons You Don't Have TIme to NaNoSo, doing a modified <a href="http://nanowrimo.org/">#NaNoWriMo</a> seemed like a pretty good idea. Not actually doing NaNo, mind you. But the idea of having 30,000 pristine (as in unedited, un-reread, and very likely dreadful) words in hand on Nov. 30 was pretty damned appealing.<br />
<br />
This being Nov. 8th, that would make me 8,000 words behind. Give or take.<br />
<br />
And given my goal of being the last writer standing after wiping out everybody else with my spectacularly bad advice, here are the top 5 reasons you shouldn't be writing either.<br />
<br />
1.) Social networking is vital to your survival as a writer. Even years prior to publication, you need to be building a platform assiduously by tweeting, posting on Facebook, documenting the minutia of your every breathing moment via embarrassing selfies, pinning*, embracing Tumblr, and blogging at least every 2.5 minutes. Conservatively. <br />
<br />
2.) Social media has to be interactive. How can you be expected to engage with others every 2.5 minutes if you aren't spending the other 2.499999 minutes perusing all of their tweets, Facebook posts, embarrassing selfies, pins and edifying blogs?<br />
<br />
3.) All writers need fun facts. How dirty your hair is and how peculiarly earthy you smell due to the fact that you are Nanoing obsessively does not count as a fun fact. How the hell are you going to be amusing on panels with a life devoid of fun facts? Obviously, you need to learn to do magic tricks and fly a single engine plane after making said plane out of papier mache and refurbished vacuum cleaner parts in your basement.<br />
<br />
4.) Assuming you are writing YA -- if not, just ignore everything I say; I have no interest in destroying your career -- you need to have your plane-making fingers on the pulse of popular culture. Even the most super-duper NaNo playlist is a woefully insufficient connection to life outside your NaNo chamber. You must go to movies, clubs, 4-H club meetings and the mall. Immediately.<br />
<br />
5.) You need new shoes.<br />
<br />
*Oh no, another footnote: Yes,<a href="http://www.pinterest.com/annstampler/"> I'm pinning</a>. You should immediately go spend several hours admiring my many really nice pins and follow all of my boards. Repeatedly. This would be highly interactive of you.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-44117050329145823542013-10-27T09:47:00.000-07:002013-10-27T09:55:21.418-07:00To NaNo or Not To Nano<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://cdn.nanowrimo.org/assets/main/press-start-fa915ffe8a6fb32bb3eabf7f771620b4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://cdn.nanowrimo.org/assets/main/press-start-fa915ffe8a6fb32bb3eabf7f771620b4.png" /></a></div>
Well here it is, the tail end of October, and here I am, staring down <a href="http://nanowrimo.org/">NaNoWriMo</a> -- National Novel Writing Month to the uninitiated -- when thousands of would-be* novelists commit to turning out the first draft of an entire novel.<br />
<br />
Yes, thousands. More than 150,000 are signed up on the official website. And a bunch of us participate under the radar, too. And there's even a Young Writers program that encourages 16 year olds to eschew A.P. Bio homework in favor of The Greater Good. The NaNo motto, after all, is "The world needs your novel." <br />
<br />
I think that NaNo purists actually start their novels on Nov. 1, but I am staring down a partial novel, and my thought is, let's do this thing! (With a gung-ho all-American "yee-ha!" plus a nod to all the chocolate chip ice cream this is going to entail. Note that NaNo is not a slimming experience.) Or not.<br />
<br />
Here's the thing: I already have a way that I write novels, and having been raised as a somewhat superstitious person (somewhat? my grandma tied red ribbons on me to ward off the Evil Eye) I'm terrified to screw with it. I mean, I tried NaNo once and I ended up with a bunch of prose that I was hugely excited about. Until I had time to read it.<br />
<br />
On the other hand, my way of writing novels involves rereading pretty much everything I've written daily before I write new stuff. It involves putting my hands over my ears and going "neeeny-neeny-neeny" whenever anyone utters the word "outline." It involves coming up with new and improved ways to tell the story up until moments before the book is printed.<br />
<br />
There has to be a better way.<br />
<br />
So all right, I'm spending every weekend in November other than Thanksgiving on the road at book festivals. All right, so I can't finish the thing until I've talked with a hacker, a private detective, and someone driven out of Homeland Security due to a propensity to spill state secrets to eager YA writers. All right, so hope springs eternal, and that spring does not feed the water park at the corner of Realistic and Sensible.<br />
<br />
But the idea of having an entire draft finished by the end of November is just so appealing.<br />
<br />
To NaNo or not to NaNo, that is the question...<br />
<br />
Does it work for you?<br />
<br />
*1. (Yes, it's a footnote. I'm an English major, sue me) I'm two novels down (Afterparty will be here January 7th, huge squee!!!! moment) but when I have a blank piece of paper or screen or pristine Starbuck napkin in front of me, I am back to would-be and I stay would-be until I'm putting the final touches on a book.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-5399030015495953052013-09-25T09:51:00.000-07:002013-09-25T09:51:53.238-07:00How to Get A Million Blog Followers Without Really Trying (Yes, it's more really bad writing advice. Seriously?) Dear Lunatics,<br />
<br />
Face it. There is something about marketing that turns the mildest mannered writer, previously obsessed with the cadence of each exquisitely wrought sentence, into a publicity-crazed doofus prepared to follow any old ridiculous promotional advice on the bouncy path to self-destruction.<br />
<br />
And here I am, offering the most ridiculous advice ever! Is this perfect, or what?<br />
<br />
For those sceptics among you who cry, "Wait, Clueless One, you have 79 people following your blog. Why in the name of all that is holy -- or (backup plan) reasonable -- should I listen to you on this critical topic?"<br />
<br />
To which I reply, for Pete's sake, dog, since when is the dispensing of really bad writing advice limited to people who actually <i>write</i>? Extrapolate.<i> </i><br />
<br />
Anyway, these are not original ideas! No indeed, they are ripped off from actual gurus of book promotion, some of whom have even formulated their own ingenious pyramid schemes. Top that.<br />
<br />
1.) You should trade follows (or membership, or friendship, or whatever) with vast numbers of random strangers who blog. You can find them everywhere: Conferences, Linkedin, accosting old ladies on street corners. Soon you will be following 600 blogs in which your interest level is somewhere between zilch and nada, and 600 similarly indifferent followers will swell your ranks. (BTW, this single piece of advice is worth at least bazillion dollars , but I will expand on it for free if you'll purchase my handy dandy book promotion boot camp kit. Yee-ha!)<br />
<br />
Helpful hint: Anyone who searched for a link to the aforementioned handy dandy kit should immediately turn off the computer and get a friend to tie you to a tree for your own good.<br />
<br />
2.) Express your desperation on every platform known to man. Tell everyone on Twitter, Facebook, Google Plus, Tumbler et al that they must join up immediately. Hyperventilate as best you can in writing. It helps if you express a lot of bitterness, as obviously you would have thousands upon thousands of follows already if only a.) people weren't prejudiced against indies; b.) your publisher gave you a modicum of support; c.) people weren't so busy reading trash about vampires that they don't appreciate the beauty of zombies (reverse if you write about zombies).<br />
<br />
3.) Offer a large bribe. Promise that the second you reach some totally reasonable six figure number of followers, you will do a giveaway of a classic Bentley/ your first-born child/ the deed to the Brooklyn Bridge. People love a large bribe. Oh yeah, definitely put your publicity budget into that.<br />
<br />
4.) Post comments on other people's blogs that don't actually have much of anything to do with whatever the hell they're nattering on about, which you are to praise in a fulsome yet generic manner, given that you didn't actually read said nattering. Be sure to mention how they and all their followers should head on over to your blog and join up. Be sure to post a bunch of links and explain how your blog was once called the most moving and insightful thing he'd ever read while driving by J.K. Rowling's cousin's podiatrist when he was visiting Chattanooga.<br />
<br />
Be sure to return often and post repeatedly with teensy weensy variations. There is no telling how many people will join just to get you to shut up.<br />
<br />
But then, the more people hope and pray you'll shut up and go away, the better job you're doing!<br />
<br />
Happy trails, and be sure to join my blog early and often if you want to win your very own exotic Middle Eastern country!<br />
<br />
My work here is done.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
Clueless<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-11105905269989468642013-08-16T22:23:00.000-07:002013-08-16T22:23:58.232-07:00Really Bad Writing Advice: Promotion Made Easy *or* The 3 Top Rules for Not Being Made Fun of on the Internet<style>
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Dear Aficionados of Really Bad Writing Advice,</div>
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Let's say that (not unlike me) you have finished the book! Let's say that (not unlike me) you are now obsessed with promoting the book. Here is the simple rule of thumb for doing that promoting: </div>
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If it makes people clutch their throats and moan "Oh my God!" (not in a good way), you shouldn't do it.</div>
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I have scoured the internet for examples of really good promotional advice, and here are the three top, inexplicably popular things you can't do, lest you leave potential readers moaning and uttering sacrilege.</div>
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1.) Do not post anything, anywhere, ever that tells your fans, followers, or friends something on the order of "This is the cutest thing in the whole, entire universe/ the most shocking revelation in the history of man/ a book that would no doubt be attributed to the Messiah were He walking the earth with lace-up sandals and a laptop" followed by a link that leads to a video of you reading your book.</div>
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Or a trailer for your book.</div>
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Or any page that raises even the faintest possibility of buying your book.</div>
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You are welcome to say and do any of the above for someone else's book. You will sound like an over-enthusiastic slob with no judgment, discernment, or sense of proportion, but at least you'll look magnanimous.</div>
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2.) Do not post a blurb or snippet of a review of your book that is even slightly ungrammatical. Or that uses any word, be it ever so short, so breathtakingly incorrectly that your more, uh, language-oriented potential reader is too busy gnashing her teeth to click through.</div>
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"I have never in my longitudinous previous past undergone an exhileration of such enormity as wading through prosedy of hitherto untold notoriousness," for example, would be a poor choice of comment to share with a cyber world of picky, picky tooth-gnashers.</div>
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3.) Even though super-helpful book promotion bloggers have convinced you that unless people see something fourteen times in a single day, they won't buy it, do not tell your followers about your book fourteen times in a single day. Even if you are hosting an awesome giveaway. Even if your book will change their lives. Even if your book will bring about world peace, prosperity, and a sense of perfect equilibrium to one an all through its fun yet miraculous selenium-rich snack food recipes. Even if anything.</div>
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Don't.</div>
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Dear readers, even if you have taken my really bad writing advice to heart and therefore penned an entirely hideous book, there's no reason you should have to endure the slings and arrows you'll attract if you engage in outrageous marketing.</div>
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For once, not joking.</div>
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Love,</div>
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Clueless</div>
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P.S. Should you have the urge to share any other terrible promotional ideas, do tell.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-1304055449506026972013-08-02T00:42:00.000-07:002013-08-02T00:42:42.200-07:00Goodreads Giveaway for Afterparty ARC's!!!Alright, I feel slightly guilty posting this given my highly convincing if not entirely sincere list of the top five reasons writers should stop reading...but...there's a Goodreads giveaway of advance copies of <i>Afterparty</i>! I'm excited, and so happy that Simon Pulse is doing this. And you should definitely get over there and sign up immediately, if only so you can win and go, "Meh, no wonder she's dispensing all this truly rank writing advice."<br />
<br />
Do pop onto Goodreads, put Afterparty on your to-read list, and sign on for the giveaway!<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
Ann<br />
<br />
Oh, right, here's the link: <a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15751652-afterparty">http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15751652-afterparty</a><br />
<br />
Also, international (as in non-U.S., she said U.S.-centrically) readers, apologies, this is a US only giveaway. I promise to do an international giveaway as soon as the book is out.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-13738627803284003692013-07-18T08:00:00.000-07:002013-07-18T08:42:21.459-07:00Really Bad Writing Advice: Plotting Made EasyDear Writing Zealots and Misguided Followers,<br />
<br />
As anyone who lives as close to Hollywood as I do can tell you, there is only one basic plot in the entire universe, and you can learn this plot and its 514 variations in one very expensive weekend seminar where, not only do you get to pitch your variation to several authentic humans but you are guaranteed to meet your soul mate in the bar off the lobby, or, in the alternative, at the AA meeting also off the lobby.<br />
<br />
So I thought, what the hell, why don’t I just share the plot so everyone can get on with it?<br />
<br />
This is it, in 3 ½ easy steps:<br />
<br />
1.) I came<br />
2.) I saw<br />
2 ½.) I encountered all sorts of highly unpleasant although sometimes comical complications after which<br />
3.) I conquered.<br />
<br />
This, of course, is the unadorned hero’s journey version of the only plot in the universe. Elegant, right?<br />
<br />
There is also:<br />
<br />
1.) I came<br />
2.) I saw<br />
2 ½) I encountered all sorts of highly unpleasant and generally not that all comical complications after which<br />
3.) I didn’t conquer.<br />
<br />
This would be the tragic version.<br />
<br />
Unless, of course, you’re looking for the YA tragic version, in which case step (3) should be “I didn’t conquer, but there was still a teeny, tiny glimmer of hope, or at very least, the promise of a sequel.”<br />
<br />
But wait, you say, this is just too simple. What about genre literature and complexity and literary merit and originality and stuff?
To which I say, stuff it. You clearly lack the vision to envision the 514 simple variations. But I will try to get you started.<br />
<br />
Chick Lit
--
I came; I saw; I encountered highly unpleasant although sometimes comical complications; I married Mr. Darcy.<br />
<br />
Or, for Chick Lit types who are also members of Mystery Writers of America --
I came; I saw; I encountered highly unpleasant although sometimes comical complications; I baked a shitload of cupcakes and solved a strangely cute homicide.<br />
<br />
Or, for those who wish to dabble in the lucrative world of mainstream porn-- I came; I saw; I encountered highly unpleasant yet hot complications involving instruments of torture and a severely neurotic rich guy; I came.<br />
<br />
It’s uncanny! It works just as well for Captain Underpants as for Paradise Lost! Not only that, I have just saved you from a weekend of desultory drinking off the lobby of a tacky hotel by LAX.
You can thank me later.<br />
<br />
Love,
Clueless<br />
<br />
P.S. Do, please, feel free to post your very own variation, even if you’re a non-believer with the clearly erroneous belief that there might be, who knows, as many as 6 or 7 basic plots floating around out there.
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-20740266412883422842013-06-18T08:13:00.001-07:002013-06-18T08:19:33.611-07:00Really Bad Writing Advice: The Cluless One Opines on Blog Frequency 2(With apologies to any computer wizards who managed to read this when it was posted yesterday; I'm getting email -- thank you!!! -- that folks couldn't read beyond the blurby thingy & were being asked to register, so I'm trying again. Leaving up the old, unreadable one briefly, so we can troubleshoot. God knows, I don't want to leave people shivering in the cyberworld with only <i>good</i> writing advice to keep them warm.)<br /><br /><br />Dear Clueless One,<br /><br />Is it true that if I don't blog frequently, weekly, daily, every few minutes, seriously more than once a month which would represent a terrible dereliction of duty to the ever-updating Wonderful World of Books, I won't have a platform and I'll be a social media failure and an outcast and no one will ever read my books because I haven't been peppering them with a bunch of freaking fun facts?<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />Seriously Worried That I'm Doomed<br /><i><br /><br /> Dear Seriously,<br /><br /> Yes.<br /><br /> Love,<br />Clueless<br /><br /><br />And may I add, Doomed People, that if you can't get your blog to function properly, Doomed would be a step up.</i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-55524257468744791532013-05-16T09:36:00.001-07:002013-06-03T10:36:58.823-07:00Really Bad Writing Advice: When in Doubt, Stop Writing! (In which I obsess about Afterparty, because that’s why I’m not writing.)So there you have it, the perfect solution to all that stress, self-doubt and mining the unpleasant recesses of your soul, such as it is: stop writing!<br /><br />And here I am at the perfect moment to stop writing. Afterparty is about to go to copyediting! Yes, it is! (Yes, I know I said something a lot like this four drafts ago, three drafts ago, two drafts ago etc., but this time I mean it.) <br /><br />I am obsessed with how many days there are until January 7th, when it comes out. <br /><br />That would be 236 days, gang!!! (Did you know you could google “How many days until January 7th?” hundreds of times and get the ever-changing correct answer daily? You are open to so many new and exciting learning experiences when you’re not writing.)<br /><br />Anyway, while ordinarily I have things like deadlines, commitments, and a sense of desperation bordering on chronic panic, now I am obsessed with Afterparty instead. How much I love the characters. How pretty the cover is. How much I long for a blog tour with character interviews with these characters I (quasi) channeled to the point of (quasi) psychosis. The impending ARC’s. How gorgeous the cover is. <br /><br />I mean, who the hell can write while fondling a book jacket?<br /><br />The point is, there are many, many things you can do while not writing that are absolutely impossible while writing, such as fondling stuff. Or watching the Sad Cat video every few minutes. Also, you can dig out your house. (This is not a metaphorical use of “dig out.” I have large pieces of furniture I can’t see because they’re obscured by even larger clumps of dog hair.) You can remove the spots where Pilot pens, yellow markers, and snack food have stained the otherwise lovely writing sofa. <br /><br />You can have conversations with your husband that don’t start with, “Read this!!!” <br /><br />You can be so obsessed with what you just finished that the prospect of hitting new walls seems a whole lot less attractive than it did back when you were hitting those old walls, given that this new thing is in the shitty first draft (Thank you, Anne Lamott!) stage of development. Whereas the thing you’re obsessing about is finished.<br /><br />And while it may be true that winners never quit, quitters get (or at least have time to think about getting) manicures. Which you can totally get while obsessing about your finished book, but not while writing. Higher calling. Cuticles. Higher calling. Cuticles? Oh what the hell, just this once, cuticles win.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-15378295505616560662013-03-15T10:33:00.000-07:002013-05-10T00:31:42.517-07:00Really Bad Writing Advice: 5 Top Reasons Revising Your Novel is Better Than Having a Life<style>
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Excuse me. I have just sent in what had damn well better be the final total overhaul of the novel I’ve been carrying on about for the last year and a half, and now I am faced with the alarming prospect of reclaiming my life.<br /><br />Oh the trauma!<br /><br />Never mind the fact that my dog, who tries to stay up with me when I write, is in a virtual coma and will barely even open his eyes when you wave a dog cookie in his face. Or that my entire closet has been turned into a hamper, and my washing machine barely remembers who I am. But I digress. (This tendency might be what was wrong with my novel, but I digress again. Damn.)<br /><br />Anyway, here we have the 5 top reasons that revising a novel is far better than having a life.<br /><br /><ol>
<li>When you finally do take a break, which you shouldn’t, but you do, and your family wants to watch an Oscar-winning and also educational documentary, you get to screech, “No! I want to watch The Carrie Diaries!” and your (entirely male and entirely horrified*) family will go along with you for fear your head will explode right there, in your family room, if they cross you. </li>
<li>When you insist that your family not make any sounds whatsoever, including tv, music, closing the dishwasher, turning the pages of books, or hitting the keys on their laptops too vigorously, due to the fact that each sound deprives you of six seconds you vitally need in order to meet your deadline, no one will remind you that you watched 13 straight hours of House of Cards to distract you from the fact your book was falling apart. Ditto about your head exploding.</li>
<li>You will come to realize that wearing fresh clothing on a daily basis and personal grooming are not all they’re cracked up to be. Unlike when you’re living your life and don’t leave your house without the endless and repeated annoyance of combing your hair. Revision does not require combed hair. (Also make-up, jewelry, or matching socks.)</li>
<li>Friendship is challenging, messy, and complicated. The revision cave completely eliminates any hint of these issues, due to the fact that your erstwhile friends barely remember you after your complete disappearance.</li>
<li>In life, your fears about other people being annoyed with you are a paranoid remnant from your unfortunate youth, and we all know how distressing it is to question your perceptions of life in general, and your life in particular. In revision, on the other hand, you can feel completely confident in your conviction that people are annoyed with you because people are annoyed with your because your freaking book is so late.</li>
</ol>
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<br />*My fellow female has decamped for Manhattan.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-66491357041250477342013-02-21T15:24:00.000-08:002013-06-03T10:37:52.476-07:00Really Bad Writing Advice: 6 Top Reasons Being an Author is So Much Better Than Actually WritingWith the author vs. writer debate breaking out in all its impassioned glory on LinkedIn lately, I thought I would impede everyone else’s writing career with some really bad advice on the subject.<br />
<br />
1. Writing involves sitting in your room alone with only your characters and the occasional gnawing sense of doom for companionship. How much fun is that?<br />
<br />
Being an auteur, on the other hand, involves people strewing your path with rose petals which you don’t actually get to admire because people are falling at your feet, totally interfering with your rose petal experience. (And no, I don't mean auteur the way Truffaut used it in expounding his theory of directing films; I'm just being pretentious. French is so good for that.)<br />
<br />
2. Writing involves taking in critiques, edits, notes, copyedits, and people who point out they don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. <br />
<br />
Auteurship involves foot massages.<br />
<br />
3. Writing involves having deadlines and roots your don’t actually have time to go get colored because you’re chained to your laptop. <br />
<br />
Auteurship involves shopping for smashing yet artsy outfits made of silk spun by special magic silk worms to wear to your next auteurish event. (n.b. Auteurs have naturally good hair, and don’t have to worry about their roots.)<br />
<br />
4. Writing involves a shitload of coffee. <br />
<br />
Auteurship involves champagne, mostly on the Queen Mary, in the 1920’s, with a lot of witty repartee and bugle beads.<br />
<br />
5. Writing requires, well, writing. <br />
<br />
Auteurship involves status. <br />
<br />
6. Writing is real. Actual stuff has to go onto an actual page. Then it has to be made good. And it might still not be good enough. How stultifying (and also hard) and potentially gut-wrenching. Who wants a wrenched gut? <br />
<br />
Auteurship, on the other hand, is largely imaginary. Except for the foot massages, which you can actually go get any time you want to, except that it will take time away from your looming deadline. <br />
<br />
Writing sucks.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-81465877424254097182013-02-12T00:00:00.000-08:002013-05-10T00:32:24.774-07:00Really Bad Writing Advice: Organization is Bad<style>
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All right, so the second half of my novel-in-progress is kind of a mess. All right, an actual mess. All right, so the arc kind of droops with a scoliosis kind of twist at a point when droopiness is not exactly what I was going for.<br /><br />After some mean-spirited yet rational person advised it was a poor idea to demand that my Facebook, Twitter, Google +, LinkedIn, and Listserv friends send me over some writing software that would fix the problem for me upon installation, preferably while I slept, I resorted to the notecard. <br /><br />There they were, a monument to hoarding, slightly yellowed, a lifetime supply from when my kid took Spanish and we spent almost an entire year laboring under the delusion that notecards help kids learn languages.<br /><br />Then I bought a corkboard. (Two actually – thinking that this mess might require a vast panorama of color-coded notecards, spreading six feet across my dining room.) Then I found some flashy, multicolored thumbtacks. And some matching pastel post-its that I could use to make some really insipid pastel rainbows should I ever finish reorganizing the second half of my book.<br /><br />And now, in the story arc that should culminate in the repair of my novel and the first aspiring truth ever involving Staples, we reach the premature and unanticipated horror of organization: My dog, my writer’s assistant, companion, and eater of paper (I like to think of this as editing choices from the Great Beyond) likes flashy multi-colored thumbtacks. A lot. Also notecards. I hesitate to describe the amount of chasing, cajoling, and offers of salami, brie, Puperoni, and leftover almond cookies from take-out Chinese were involved in getting my thumbtack back.<br /><br />Suffice to say, not only did organization almost kill my dog, but the convincing of my dog to return the notecard with the thumbtack lodged in it was highly distracting and not conducive to unscrambling my novel.<br /><br />Eschew organization. It could kill your dog.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-55849976006143929522013-02-05T15:41:00.000-08:002013-05-10T00:34:36.037-07:00Surprise! A Break From Really Bad Writing Advice: Auction for Agent & Editor CritiquesHi all,<br /><br />Not that I feel guilty about dispensing all the really bad writing advice or anything like that. Not me. No. Nothing like that. However, I just came upon a group of ebay auctions to benefit the charitable activities of the San Francisco Writers Conference, and they look enticing. The items being auctioned are manuscript critiques and consultations from a group of children's book editors and agents whose names you will recognize.<br /><br />Only think how much of my really bad writing advice could be counteracted by three or four minutes with one of these folks!<br /><br />It's hard to see anything but win-win-win-win-win here, and I thought my writer friends would want to know.<br /><br />Here's the URL:<br /><br /><a href="http://www.ebay.com/sch/sfwc/m.html?_nkw=&_armrs=1&_from=&_ipg=&_trksid=p3686">http://www.ebay.com/sch/sfwc/m.html?_nkw=&_armrs=1&_from=&_ipg=&_trksid=p3686</a><br /><br />The auctions end soon. Happy bidding,<br /><br />AnnUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5181890300160874059.post-21111763246995663062013-01-31T16:28:00.000-08:002013-01-31T16:28:44.231-08:00Really Bad Writing Advice: The Clueless One Preaches Doom
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Well, here I am in physical therapy with my somewhat wrecked
ankle (which is, btw, wrapped in cool, black spider-webbish tape and looks kind
of Goth), and I’m still in a bad mood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am, therefore, going to send out into the world some
of the Clueless One’s pithier messages of doom, so that I can feel more
fellowship with writers who don’t have a wrecked ankle but whom I’ve
nevertheless reduced to a state of unappetizing moaning.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">You’re welcome.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Dear Clueless One,</span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></i><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></i><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Writing is hard, and I’ll never get this manuscript to
sing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Should I just throw in the
towel?</span></i>
</div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></i><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Sincerely,</span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></i><div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></i><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></i><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Might Be Incompetent</span></i>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Dear Incompetent,</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Yes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Dear Clueless One,</span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></i><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Revising is hard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This manuscript has any number of problems that I just can’t solve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Should I just throw in the towel?</span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></i><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Yours,</span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></i><div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></i><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></i><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">In Revision Hell</span></i>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Dear IRH,</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Yes.</span></div>
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</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<br /></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Dear Clueless One,</span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></i><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></i><div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This re-revision seems to be making this manuscript worse
and not better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Should I throw in
the towel?</span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></i><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></i><div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Yours,</span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></i><div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></i><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></i><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">#BangsHeadOnKeyboard</span></i>
</div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Dear Head-Banger,</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Yes. (And for the love of God, stop using hashtags.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Dear Clueless One,</span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<br /></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">My publisher is terribly nice, but they appear to like this
brilliant, well-established, multi-zillion dollar epic writer better than
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She got to speak at ALA and I
didn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Although that might be
because she won the Newberry & I didn’t.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Should I just throw in the towel?</span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Your friend,</span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></i><div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></i><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></i><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Peevishly Jealous</span></i>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Dear Writer,</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Yes.</span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Dear Clueless One,</span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></i><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Damn the internet!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If not for the internet, I would never know that somewhere out there,
there’s someone who hates my book.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A lot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And not just one
person, either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just after I flame
this misguided Satan, should I just throw in the towel?</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Best wishes (if you liked my book, otherwise not),</span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></i><div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></i><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></i><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Judgment-Impaired Narcissist</span></i>
</div>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Dear Internet Joke,</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Yes.</span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Dear Clueless One,</span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></i><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></i><div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I don’t like your book and my publisher made me a poster.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Signed,</span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></i><div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></i><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></i><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Anonymous For Reasons of Safety</span></i>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Dear AFRS,</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Die.</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com10