Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Really Bad Writing Advice: The Writers' New Years Resolutions From Hell

Well, this is Afterparty's official pub date, and I'm all over the internet spouting my favorite writing tips.  As well as revealing all kinds of things about myself that it really does feel like massive hubris to think anyone other than my husband would find fascinating.  And I'm not even all that sure about him.

Anyway, while I am profoundly grateful to the bloggers who are hosting me, I do feel that as a proponent of Really Bad Writing Advice, I need to speak up quickly and decisively to support the cause and the inevitable Really Bad Writing that follows.

I am therefore sharing New Years resolution sure to bring your writing career to a grinding halt.

1.) I shall improve my social media presence by blogging, vlogging, tweeting, pinning, and posting adorable selfies on Facebook incessantly.

This is because dancing around in your twitter feed continuously day and night is so conducive to finishing your novel.

2.) I shall ponder each and every person who unfriends or unfollows me to try to determine how and where I went wrong.  Even if said people communicate exclusively in unfamiliar alphabets and post only photos of what appear to be picturesque brothels in Slovinia.

I mean, you want to have universal appeal, right?  Ask yourself, am I putting enough time and energy into contemplating the fact that several Turkish pornographers -- or maybe they're actually Finnish real estate agents who like lingerie,  hard to tell -- don't like me anymore?  

3.) I will read 365 novels in my genre so that I'll have something beyond my fun-fact-challenged life to write guest posts about.

This will not in any way interfere with your writing due to the fact that in the new year, there will be 50 or 60 hours per day.  Trust me on this one.  Would I be up at 1:39 a.m. blogging my little heart out if there wasn't time for me to crank out Part II of my novel and get 8 hours of sleep between now and sunrise?

4.) I will regularly check out what people are saying about my book on Goodreads, Amazon, Google Plus, Jacket Flap, all blogs known to man and whatever other sites pop up where people slash books. Thus, everything everyone anywhere every said about the old book can be taken into consideration in guiding he writing of the new book.

This is because while your own voice might still hold some inexplicable charm for you even after you've read everything everyone has ever said about your book, we all know that majority rules.

5.) I will keep abreast of the market by checking everything written about the market by everyone else trying to stay abreast of the market.  Hourly.

This is because while uniquely told tales of wonder are nice, the market rules.

Happy New Year!