Goodreads Giveaway for Afterparty ARC's!!!

Alright, I feel slightly guilty posting this given my highly convincing if not entirely sincere list of the top five reasons writers should stop reading...but...there's a Goodreads giveaway of advance copies of Afterparty!  I'm excited, and so happy that Simon Pulse is doing this.  And you should definitely get over there and sign up immediately, if only so you can win and go, "Meh, no wonder she's dispensing all this truly rank writing advice."

Do pop onto Goodreads, put Afterparty on your to-read list, and sign on for the giveaway!

Love,
Ann

Oh, right, here's the link: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15751652-afterparty

Also, international (as in non-U.S., she said U.S.-centrically) readers, apologies, this is a US only giveaway.   I promise to do an international giveaway as soon as the book is out.

Really Bad Writing Advice: Plotting Made Easy

Dear Writing Zealots and Misguided Followers,

As anyone who lives as close to Hollywood as I do can tell you, there is only one basic plot in the entire universe, and you can learn this plot and its 514 variations in one very expensive weekend seminar where, not only do you get to pitch your variation to several authentic humans but you are guaranteed to meet your soul mate in the bar off the lobby, or, in the alternative, at the AA meeting also off the lobby.

So I thought, what the hell, why don’t I just share the plot so everyone can get on with it?

This is it, in 3 ½ easy steps:

1.) I came
2.) I saw
2 ½.) I encountered all sorts of highly unpleasant although sometimes comical complications after which
3.) I conquered.

This, of course, is the unadorned hero’s journey version of the only plot in the universe. Elegant, right?

There is also:

1.) I came
2.) I saw
2 ½) I encountered all sorts of highly unpleasant and generally not that all comical complications after which
3.) I didn’t conquer.

This would be the tragic version.

Unless, of course, you’re looking for the YA tragic version, in which case step (3) should be “I didn’t conquer, but there was still a teeny, tiny glimmer of hope, or at very least, the promise of a sequel.”

But wait, you say, this is just too simple. What about genre literature and complexity and literary merit and originality and stuff? To which I say, stuff it. You clearly lack the vision to envision the 514 simple variations. But I will try to get you started.

Chick Lit  --  I came; I saw; I encountered highly unpleasant although sometimes comical complications; I married Mr. Darcy.

Or, for Chick Lit types who are also members of Mystery Writers of America --  I came; I saw; I encountered highly unpleasant although sometimes comical complications; I baked a shitload of cupcakes and solved a strangely cute homicide.

Or, for those who wish to dabble in the lucrative world of mainstream porn-- I came; I saw; I encountered highly unpleasant yet hot complications involving instruments of torture and a severely neurotic rich guy; I came.

It’s uncanny! It works just as well for Captain Underpants as for Paradise Lost! Not only that, I have just saved you from a weekend of desultory drinking off the lobby of a tacky hotel by LAX. You can thank me later.

Love, Clueless

P.S. Do, please, feel free to post your very own variation, even if you’re a non-believer with the clearly erroneous belief that there might be, who knows, as many as 6 or 7 basic plots floating around out there.

Really Bad Writing Advice: The Cluless One Opines on Blog Frequency 2

(With apologies to any computer wizards who managed to read this when it was posted yesterday; I'm getting email -- thank you!!! -- that folks couldn't read beyond the blurby thingy & were being asked to register, so I'm trying again. Leaving up the old, unreadable one briefly, so we can troubleshoot. God knows, I don't want to leave people shivering in the cyberworld with only good writing advice to keep them warm.)


Dear Clueless One,

Is it true that if I don't blog frequently, weekly, daily, every few minutes, seriously more than once a month which would represent a terrible dereliction of duty to the ever-updating Wonderful World of Books, I won't have a platform and I'll be a social media failure and an outcast and no one will ever read my books because I haven't been peppering them with a bunch of freaking fun facts?

Best,

Seriously Worried That I'm Doomed


Dear Seriously,

Yes.

Love,
Clueless


And may I add, Doomed People, that if you can't get your blog to function properly, Doomed would be a step up.

Really Bad Writing Advice: When in Doubt, Stop Writing! (In which I obsess about Afterparty, because that’s why I’m not writing.)

So there you have it, the perfect solution to all that stress, self-doubt and mining the unpleasant recesses of your soul, such as it is: stop writing!

And here I am at the perfect moment to stop writing. Afterparty is about to go to copyediting! Yes, it is! (Yes, I know I said something a lot like this four drafts ago, three drafts ago, two drafts ago etc., but this time I mean it.)

I am obsessed with how many days there are until January 7th, when it comes out.

That would be 236 days, gang!!! (Did you know you could google “How many days until January 7th?” hundreds of times and get the ever-changing correct answer daily? You are open to so many new and exciting learning experiences when you’re not writing.)

Anyway, while ordinarily I have things like deadlines, commitments, and a sense of desperation bordering on chronic panic, now I am obsessed with Afterparty instead. How much I love the characters. How pretty the cover is. How much I long for a blog tour with character interviews with these characters I (quasi) channeled to the point of (quasi) psychosis. The impending ARC’s. How gorgeous the cover is.

I mean, who the hell can write while fondling a book jacket?

The point is, there are many, many things you can do while not writing that are absolutely impossible while writing, such as fondling stuff. Or watching the Sad Cat video every few minutes. Also, you can dig out your house. (This is not a metaphorical use of “dig out.” I have large pieces of furniture I can’t see because they’re obscured by even larger clumps of dog hair.) You can remove the spots where Pilot pens, yellow markers, and snack food have stained the otherwise lovely writing sofa.

You can have conversations with your husband that don’t start with, “Read this!!!”

You can be so obsessed with what you just finished that the prospect of hitting new walls seems a whole lot less attractive than it did back when you were hitting those old walls, given that this new thing is in the shitty first draft (Thank you, Anne Lamott!) stage of development. Whereas the thing you’re obsessing about is finished.

And while it may be true that winners never quit, quitters get (or at least have time to think about getting) manicures. Which you can totally get while obsessing about your finished book, but not while writing. Higher calling. Cuticles. Higher calling. Cuticles? Oh what the hell, just this once, cuticles win.