Really Bad Writing Advice: Promotion Made Easy *or* The 3 Top Rules for Not Being Made Fun of on the Internet

Dear Aficionados of Really Bad Writing Advice,

Let's say that (not unlike me) you have finished the book!  Let's say that (not unlike me) you are now obsessed with promoting the book.  Here is the simple rule of thumb for doing that promoting: 

If it makes people clutch their throats and moan "Oh my God!" (not in a good way), you shouldn't do it.

I have scoured the internet for examples of really good promotional advice, and here are the three top, inexplicably popular things you can't do, lest you leave potential readers moaning and uttering sacrilege.

1.) Do not post anything, anywhere, ever that tells your fans, followers, or friends something on the order of "This is the cutest thing in the whole, entire universe/ the most shocking revelation in the history of man/ a book that would no doubt be attributed to the Messiah were He walking the earth with lace-up sandals and a laptop" followed by a link that leads to a video of you reading your book.

Or a trailer for your book.

Or any page that raises even the faintest possibility of buying your book.

You are welcome to say and do any of the above for someone else's book. You will sound like an over-enthusiastic slob with no judgment, discernment, or sense of proportion, but at least you'll look magnanimous.

2.) Do not post a blurb or snippet of a review of your book that is even slightly ungrammatical.  Or that uses any word, be it ever so short, so breathtakingly incorrectly that your more, uh, language-oriented potential reader is too busy gnashing her teeth to click through.

"I have never in my longitudinous previous past undergone an exhileration of such enormity as wading through prosedy of hitherto untold notoriousness," for example, would be a poor choice of comment to share with a cyber world of picky, picky tooth-gnashers.

3.) Even though super-helpful book promotion bloggers have convinced you that unless people see something fourteen times in a single day, they won't buy it, do not tell your followers about your book fourteen times in a single day.  Even if you are hosting an awesome giveaway.  Even if your book will change their lives.  Even if your book will bring about world peace, prosperity, and a sense of perfect equilibrium to one an all through its fun yet miraculous selenium-rich snack food recipes.  Even if anything.

Don't.

Dear readers, even if you have taken my really bad writing advice to heart and therefore penned an entirely hideous book, there's no reason you should have to endure the slings and arrows you'll attract if you engage in outrageous marketing.

For once, not joking.

Love,

Clueless

P.S.  Should you have the urge to share any other terrible promotional ideas, do tell.