Friday, July 13, 2012

More Really Bad Writing Advice

Having succeeded beyond my wildest expectations with my initial foray into Really Bad Writing Advice (e.g. there were comments none of which employed the phrase “you mean-spirited bitch”) I have decided to sally forth into the realm of even worse advice.

Here goes.

Dear Clueless One,
I have just finished my stand-alone historical fantasy in which pirates and mermaids team up to change the course of the Russian Revolution using only their wits, rusty sabers and sex appeal.

Beyond its obvious appeal in raising deep, philosophical questions about Communism, this book is the manifestation of my personal crusade against boring, lazy writing, taking aim at that infinitely overused phrase, “he said.” I am proud to tell you that I never once use “he said” in my book, ferreting out compelling facsimiles such as: 
  • he wholeheartedly yet heartrendingly exclaimed with a plaintive naivete that could draw tears from a mashed turnip, could they have obtained turnips, which they couldn’t because they were pirates who had been at sea for a really, really long time; 
  • she bellowed with the steely yet ladylike determination of sinuous seaweed that now overflowed the banks of the Moskva River with rampant yet implausible abandon; 
  • and the simple yet elegant *he ejaculated truculently.”
Noting that you used the phrase “she said” 2,914 times in your last – and might I point out only—novel, will you reform and join my Crusade? 
Signed, Crusader


To which I reply:

Dear Crusader,
Sure. Why not? The plot of what was supposed to be my next book just imploded and I’m not in a good mood. Indeed, the prospect of committing writing suicide sounds quite alluring. Let’s all hold hands and jump. Off the gangplank. Into the depths of the seaweed-riddled Moskva River. She agreed with crazed alacrity. 
Best, 
Clueless

11 comments:

  1. All right. I surrender. This is worse advice. Is 'worst' coming next?

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  2. Hi Mirka,

    I fear that "worst" is one of those unattainable goals to which I'll merely aspire, and maybe approach through successive approximation. Right now, I'm just going for increasingly rank. It's a modest goal, but someone's got to do it.

    Ann

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  3. I do have to say that the plot described in the letter doesn't sound that different from the plots of the sequels to Pirates of the Caribbean.

    In the meantime, I'm writing the script for the sequel to Captain EO. Does that make me a candidate for "Worst writing advice?" He interrogatoried.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for this inspirational comment, bringing us to the subject of bald-faced plot theft and, dare I say, flat out plagiarism. Both of which I plan to recommend highly in future posts replete with even more cluelessness. She responded panachefully.

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    2. P.S. Please tell me that you are actually writing the sequel to Captain Eo. Please, please, please. I mean, we're all in L.A. It could happen.

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  4. If I may be serious for a moment, I'm definitely going to read your book now, because your posts are making me laugh. I read more MG than YA, but I know I'll enjoy the voice.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! I hope you'll like Where It Began. (After which, in the interest of keeping marauding pirates and anti-Communist mermaids at bay, you might want to consider recommending it to your 700 closest friends.)

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  5. Definitely some of the best worst writing I've read! :D

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. And please stay tuned. Rest assured that I am closing in on the worst worse writing and with a great deal of effort -- which I plan to describe in painful detail with the key words "my deeply meaningful writing journey" -- I might get there.

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  6. Have you considered entering the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest? I think you have a good shot at winning. (If you're not familiar with the contest, look it up before you thank me!)
    I love your bad-writing posts so much that I'm now following your blog.

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  7. Hi Sandy,
    Thanks for following! More excruciating advice to come. As for Bulwer-Lytton, a-hem.
    Ann

    ReplyDelete