Really Bad Writing Advice: The Clueless One Preaches Doom

Well, here I am in physical therapy with my somewhat wrecked ankle (which is, btw, wrapped in cool, black spider-webbish tape and looks kind of Goth), and I’m still in a bad mood.   I am, therefore, going to send out into the world some of the Clueless One’s pithier messages of doom, so that I can feel more fellowship with writers who don’t have a wrecked ankle but whom I’ve nevertheless reduced to a state of unappetizing moaning.

You’re welcome.

Dear Clueless One,

  

Writing is hard, and I’ll never get this manuscript to sing.  Should I just throw in the towel?

Sincerely,

 Might Be Incompetent

Dear Incompetent,

Yes.

Dear Clueless One,

Revising is hard.  This manuscript has any number of problems that I just can’t solve.  Should I just throw in the towel?

Yours,

 In Revision Hell

Dear IRH,

Yes.

Dear Clueless One,

This re-revision seems to be making this manuscript worse and not better.  Should I throw in the towel?

Yours,

 #BangsHeadOnKeyboard

Dear Head-Banger,

Yes. (And for the love of God, stop using hashtags.)

Dear Clueless One,

My publisher is terribly nice, but they appear to like this brilliant, well-established, multi-zillion dollar epic writer better than me.  She got to speak at ALA and I didn’t.  (Although that might be because she won the Newberry & I didn’t.)  Should I just throw in the towel?

Your friend,

 Peevishly Jealous

Dear Writer,

Yes.

Dear Clueless One,

Damn the internet!  If not for the internet, I would never know that somewhere out there, there’s someone who hates my book.  A lot.  And not just one person, either.  Just after I flame this misguided Satan, should I just throw in the towel?

Best wishes (if you liked my book, otherwise not),

Judgment-Impaired Narcissist

Dear Internet Joke,

Yes.

Dear Clueless One,

I don’t like your book and my publisher made me a poster.

Signed,

 Anonymous For Reasons of Safety

Dear AFRS,

Die.