Saturday, January 17, 2015

Really Bad Writing Advice: It's Everywhere!

Today I step back from my mission to provide so much bad writing advice that I'm the last writer standing.  This is because today, surfing the Net to avoid writing a chapter I'm having a hard time with, it hit me: There is already so much really bad writing advice out there, I can put my mission on hold for as long as I like and would-be writers will still be more than sufficiently mislead.

To clarify, I have nothing against writing advice.  If you're Anne Lamott or Steven King, your advice is brilliant and I hope and pray you'll keep dispensing it.  I think Martha Alderson is a great plot whisperer even though I'm constitutionally unable to use her workbook, and I know people who swear by, write by, and produce terrific books with Save The Cat.  Keep saving that cat!  If these folks advice works for you, but all means, follow!

I'm talking about my bad-advice competitors.  People who list 67 words you can use instead of "said."   "Ignore them!" she ejaculated/exclaimed/declared/bubbled over/whinnied/whined/cried/inveighed.  The same goes for the 99 words to use instead of "went."  Seriously?  

I'm talking about all those random and completely nonsensical rules.  Don't give a physical description of your characters.  Don't use adverbs.  Don't use adjectives.  If you must use adjectives, never use the word "nice."  Never use the passive voice.  Run on sentences are the kiss of death.  No, sentence fragments are the kiss of Death.  No, rhyming picture books are the kiss of Death.  No, alliteration is the kiss of Death.

Today,  I actually read something that, in an effort to mislead writers about how to create interesting characters, told me that my heroes should listen to women while my villains should interrupt them. 

All right, I admit my competitors in the Really Bad Writing Advice arena are highly skilled. 

But (never start a paragraph with "But" BTW) I just wanted you to be aware that in order to avoid direct competition with my really bad advice, my competitors have taken to disguising themselves as purveyors of good advice.  Helpful advice.  Warnings to save you from the dire consequences of adverb usage.  So if you're out there beating the bushes for terrible advice, feel free to embrace them despite the mislabeling.

I say, purveyors of terrible advice disguised as good advice, stand your ground!  Urging writers to produce truly bad prose by replacing the word "said" with as many awkward substitutes as possible on a single page is an honorable calling!  Stand your ground, hold your head high, and acknowledge the glorious badness of your truly rank suggestions.

Bravo!


8 comments:

  1. Love this post! When starting out writing, I read all of those bad advice rules and every "how to" book I could get my hands on. What a confusing jumble of thoughts rolling around in my head. I finally got wise. Now, I just do the best I can and only listen to the seasoned writers who generously share what works for them.

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    1. Thank you, Catherine! That's where I am, too, and I'm nine books in...

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  2. Your angst and mine match again. My late father used to rile against those who took "creative writing classes," asking where the "uncreative writing classes" were taught. A lot of the rule making is merchandising of that elusive vapor referred to as good art. Once neatly packaged, the content mysteriously disappears.
    P.S. How many rules did I break here^ just now?

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    1. The mysteriously disappearing content -- yes!!! And as for how many rules, what can I say, not nearly enough. (Although, there was something about all the stuff I waded through yesterday that took me from angst to outright railing.)

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    2. Yep, yep, yep. I collect craft books like bestselling authors collect royalty checks, so I have more than my share of bad advice guides. I keep those books - and article links - just so I remember how hungry I was for rules and easy answers when I first started out. (I splashed along in the shallow end for waaaaay too long.) :)

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  3. Oh dear, the one about heroes listening to women and villains interrupting them is quite something! In my writing classes, my students and I talk about the conventions of "good writing" but we also talk a lot about when/how authors break those rules. I think it's good to be open to rules but also be willing to challenge them.

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    1. I'm the first one to curl my lip at bad writing (not in public or when kids are involved), and I realize that it's possible to discern rules that make sense and need to be discussed in writing classes. But the notion of rules nevertheless bothers me. This is probably why I write YA with such surly characters.

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